Sliding Backwards?

l suffer from a physical illness. It is caused by a chemical imbalance in my brain. Therefore it is classed as a mental illness. My illness can be controlled by taking medication. I choose not to take it because it slows my perceptions down, it dulls my senses, it affects my life in so many ways. I have been on medication off and on for the past 23 years. The last time I stopped taking my medication was in 2012. I was on (for me) quite a high dosage. I managed to keep working, taking time off only to get used to the physical side effects of the pills (the dizziness, the nausea, the sleepiness). I feel better in the sunshine and warmth when I have no responsibilities.

I was reading the paper today and Fern Britton (a TV personality) was about being vigilant about the signs depression returning. She described it thus: She says the signs are, for her, ‘getting tired, not sleeping well, feeling like you’re invisible. You disappear into yourself and feel you’ve disappeared for others. Of course you haven’t. What you’re doing is terrifying the s*** out of them because they don’t know what’s happening to you.’ you can read the full article here 

She is describing me! Only add into that a feeling of complete and utter uselessness, propensity to burst into tears for no apparent reason and an unreasonable fear of change.

This is where I am at the moment. I am determined not to slide completely back and to end up on medication, but we have so much on our plates at the moment I feel like my head is  to burst. I have gone into procrastination mode. I am not facing my demons. I am avoiding things. I am taking an interest in the outside world, but I don’t want to go out the door. I go to work  because I have to, not because I want to. I really want to curl up indoors, and not do or  see anything or anyone.

I feel tears welling. Am I feeling sorry for myself? Or is it something deeper than that? I think I am only feeling sorry for myself. I hope I am only feeling sorry for myself.

I have so much to do, I have friends coming to stay tonight, I need to clean the house, we are going to a party tonight, I need to wash my hair and find something to wear.  So far today, I have been out to go and see something my husband wanted me to look at. I ended up buying a small slow-cooker for a quid – bargain or what? Ideal for the camper. I bought some wooden troughs – not on the list! and then I bought junk food. Sweets. I have eaten them. How stupid. Failed again. I didn’t even enjoy them. I feel sick now.  I have also read my twitter, the paper, written this post, and avoided all housework.

The weather is beautiful. I really ought to go outside and make the most of it. Sod the housework. I am off out, to procrastinate, to soak up some natural vitamin D and to practise my photography.

So, enjoy whatever weather you have, where-ever you are in the world. Make the most of today, because who knows what heartache or joy tomorrow may bring. I follow an inspiring lady  who has been through a really tough time. I have nothing to complain about or moan about compared to Jennie.

Right, I am definitely off now. I must clear the spare bed, at the very least!


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