Life at the Moment.

I have not been sleeping well at night, I have been having terrible dreams. About falling into holes, and not being able to get out. I don’t need an analyst to tell me what they mean. I know. I worry that we haven’t thought the move through properly (we did! I just over think things!) and that we have bought the wrong house (we haven’t, it is lovely), that the garden is too big (it isn’t).

I have been reassessing my appearance – I have been trying contact lenses, Specsavers have been very good. I usually wear varifocal glasses, so we tried distance lenses and reading glasses (not practical). Then we tried vari-focal lenses – they didn’t work at all for me. Too impractical. So now I am on One distance lens and one reading lens. So far? so good. The optician has been very patient. I think we have found the formula for me.

My hair is going grey. I am more grey than not now. I have very little sense of what will look good on me. I look at styles and discount them. I have moved away from my regular hairdresser and I do miss him. I need to think ahead to March. I don’t want to let the side down. I wanted to be slim, glamourous, now think beach ball!

I am tired. If I go to the doctor it will be – It is my age / lose weight. My joints ache. It is my age / lose weight. I would love to lose weight. It has been a battle for most of my life. The experts need to make their f*cking minds up –  sugar’s bad, sugar’s not bad, fat’s bad, fat’s not bad, carbs are bad, carbs are not bad no this, no that, exercise, don’t bother exercising. How are people, ordinary people supposed to know what to do if the supposed experts can’t agree amongst themselves?  I am hormonal, tearful, can’t find a frock for the wedding.  I hate my legs. I only wear trousers these days. No miracles here, I just have to starve myself and exercise like shit to try and lose a few stones. I will still hate my legs, and I still won’t be able to find a frock.  I am tired and my joints ache. I think I really ought to go to the Doctor. Maybe there is something wrong somewhere. Perhaps if I was pain free I would be more inclined to exercise.

On the bright side – there is a bright side, I have been learning Photoshop. I have a brilliant tutor who is very patient. I need to be shown then do it myself. I am brimming with ideas of photos I want to make. Just need to find the time to make them! Keep an eye on the blog for when I finally get cracking.

I have been reading a lot too. I love reading. I love writing reviews too – who knew? I have a stack of books waiting. I will post reviews as I do them. If you get chance – read SnowBlind by Ragnar Jonasson. It is brilliant. I loved it.

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2 Responses to Life at the Moment.

  1. Helen says:

    People love and care for you because of whom you are. You won’t let the side down in March, the focus on the day is the bride and groom – not you … all you have to be is a proud and happy mum of a wonderful son.

    If the stress of being “the perfect mother of the groom” makes you unhappy, causes you to eat yourself to death, makes you grumpy, puts undue stress on your body and makes you ill – then you might not make the wedding. I know as a fact your son would 100% love you to be there, if you went in trousers, dyed your hair green and wore “Edna” glasses, and a flower in your hair he would still love you – and he would prefer that than you not being there at all cause you worried yourself to death over it!

    If you want to change – don’t change because of the wedding, change because you want too, change because by loosing a little weight the stress on your bones and the aches do improve, change cause you have plans to run around after the grandchildren .. change for your choice not yours … and just change quietly for yourself, the only decision that counts is the one you make in the next 2 minutes, and then the one two minutes after that…

    Dieting is a mindfield … eat and drink what you like – what makes you happy and make every calorie count … what really helps for me is to remember you need to eat less calories than you use. Counting them is a mindful … but a fitbit is a great start – you can see how many you burn in a day based on your weight and height and as long as you eat less it will go down …then all you need to decide is have you got enough calories for “x”, if you haven’t – go garden or walk till you have …

    But do it for you, only if you want to – and if you don’t – the attention on the big day is not on you anyway … so enjoy it – hopefully you will only be mother of the groom twice!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thankyou Helen, you can always put me right. I was having a bad day. Back on the coast today 😁. Can’t wait to see you at the weekend.

    Liked by 1 person

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